A correspondent from the US has sent me the list of winners in a recent New York Magazine contest in which you had to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. A few years ago, the Washington Post did a similar thing for English words, which I reported in my Language Play. It's good to see ludic linguistic ingenuity alive and well, and engaging with foreign languages - though I wonder, in this day and age, what proportion of the population will get the jokes.
Here's my top ten selection from the winners.
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO
Lost in the mail
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered
The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
The king is dead. No kidding.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown
Our cat has a boat
Fast French food
E PLURIBUS ANUM
Out of any group, there's always one asshole
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Je ne sais quoit - I'm rubbish at deck games.
nom de plumet - a writer who used a false name and then found a massive drop in book sales resulted
Sorry, DC. This is my kind of game. I will stop now, honest.
The problem is, that when one thinks up one of these things, and an opportunity arises, it is impossible not to share it! I would be very happy to see this page become the last resting-place for such creations.
Hi David Crystal.
I confess I stole this blog and and (in the spirit of giving to Caesar )now feel I must share some of my comments:
Craveat Emptor - Beware of Foppish Men
Let them eat cake.
"Walking in a Winter Wonderland"
Tripe a la mode de Cain:
I don't believe everything in Genesis
Cherchez la ferme:
There's too much land-rezoning.
De rustibus non est disputandum:
We need to invest in public transport
I am changing a wheel
Apres mai le deluge:
An Irish summer
Introibo ad altare deb:
I'll try it on with some other society gal.
Chateau eneuf du pape:
The pope has enough real-estate
brian and beth said:
Et tu Brule:
Never refuse dessert in March
Grumpy Old Man
Fret a porter.
What shall I wear?
"I wonder, in this day and age, what proportion of the population will get the jokes"
Are you suggesting that the average person in the street is thicker than they were, say, 30 years ago?
I love wordplay, and I'd never heard of this one. Here's my poor attempt:
ET BETERA, ET BETERA, ET BETERA
Improving all the time
A right cock-up
We'll feed the monkeys tomorrow
Can we have anagrams another day, please? Michael Swan hasn't talked to me since I pointed out that his name is a rearrangement of "Welsh maniac".
Of course not. An absurd suggestion. Obviously, if people aren't taught Latin, they're not going to understand jokes based on Latin. And the way things are going in modern foreign language teaching, I wonder how many of these jokes will make sense to young people today.
These are are all very clever and funny, my favourite is "le roi est mort. jive le roi" They did get me thinking, though, about whether the jokes work so well in other languages. I'm very fond of punning on individual words from Hindi and Panjabi with their English homophones, but phrases and idioms seem much harder to work with. Like with Māori, there are some great phrases maknig themselves part of NZ English, but they would probably fall completely flat outside of Aotearoa.
Yes - as I was saying earlier - if you don't know the language, you won't get the point. But with a gloss it could still have some effect. Why not let's see? If you have some Maori or other examples.
Magna farta - a very smelly person
Deja pu - i've just been to the toilet
I demand we go to dance.
Can't think of any in Italian right now but I'll try to think of something!
Fleidleisiwch nawr! Eat fried rice now!
(frm Welsh: Pleidleisiwch nawr!/ Vote now!)
Colin's BAÑANA is my favourite by a long way.
Here are a few attempts of mine:
IN FRAGRANTE DELICTO
Pick up the small change
SINK QUA NON
Everything except the kitchen sink
Crucial typo in my previous post (sorry). Please feel free to delete it.
ROMAN À CHEF
Cooking the books
I’ve forgotten your name
The appetiser escaped
Cecily: the post with a typo has been deleted.
Your last two examples take the game in a new direction, based on the sound of the expressions, and introduce more than one letter change. A whole new set of possibilities arise.
Yes, I realise I was cheating a little.
Here's one that sticks to the rules:
JE NE SAIL PAS
I get sea-sick
I rather like Cecily's new twist - eg. DEJA WHO - though I can't think of any original examples myself right now. (DEJA DO =
We've already done that).
I also love JE NE SAIL PAS! Here's one more:
HASTA LA VISA
Until the money runs out
The "E pluribus..." quip reminds me of a story told by the late Colin Thiele, who wrote several books set here in South Australia. He belonged to an English teachers' organisation, and one year a letter arrived saying the subscription would be so many dollars "per anum".
He sent off the money with a note to say that he would prefer to pay through the nose.
Well there's half an hour I'll never get back/ well spent whichever way you look at it...
Post sortem - I'll do it when I'm dead
rainon d'etre - the sudden realisation you should have brought an umbrella
carne diem - enjoy your steak!
al tresco - eating food before reaching the checkout of a supermarket
et netera - superfluous content online (such as this comment!!)
@Steve: Well spent. I'm running out of steam though.
BIN DE PAYS
Permission to erupt
Hello. This seems like exactly the sort of thing I could waste significant amounts of time with. I wanted to do an A-Z for you, DC, but then realised I would appear the wrong side of unhinged. Anyway……
Carpe diet – a healthy alternative to steak (Steve).
Dulce et decorum est pro patria gori – England football fans’ motto whilst abroad, seemingly.
Stabat later dolorosa – when you’ve failed to pull after a long night carousing and find yourself with little option but to wait dejectedly at the bus stop for the last bus home, alone.
Mea maxima gulpa – I’m bloody thirsty, sorry.
Okay, I should stop. My favourites to date have been chateau eneuf du pape and et netera. The potential for missing an entire working day is vast, so I'm trying to show some restraint.
Kind regards etc....
I'm an Australian
On Skype I use "Dolce et Gabbana est pro Patria Mori" - it is stylish and elegant to die for the Motherland.
A few more 'netera' (good one, Steve):
Damn, I'm late again!
Yes, I speak Scottish.
A bullseye hit in fencing.
Where's the toilet, please?
CUL-DE-SUC = put an end to fellatio
(Or the kids version, "the sweet shop closed down".)
SUE SERA SERA
The lawyers will get you, no matter what
The downside of walking barefoot in the sand
Ramsay is swearing again
(Gordon Ramsay is a notoriously foul-mouthed British chef)
Fishy version of a Cornish pasty (Fish Wellington?)
An inelegant overeater, who probably belches
In addition to those contributed above... (Steve)
alter ega - another part of one's character who is more motivated
camera ABscura - the pressure on a man to chisel their bodies to match photos of musclemen
lingua pranca - a practical joke based in the use of language
comma ci, comma ca - subliminal messages of a prescriptive obsessive (i realise this slightly bends the rules but feel this only adds to the gag!!)
Don't forget the wine
This volcanic cloud's no joke
Excellent contributions from everyone, by the way. I think you might have started something here, Professor.
It's certainly building up into a fine collection!
They get better and better. Steve from Brighton sends me these through the email system:
Homme ci comme ca - He's a bit like that
Halle a manger - the orchestra's eating
La flume de ma tante - Auntie's whitewater rafting
Her ardua ad astra - her efforts got her a hatchback
"They get better and better".
Indeed, so I thought I'd bring the
standard down . . .
LA VISA E BELLA
I love shopping
C'EST LA PIE
That's a fine-looking volcanic cloud
A very nice collection developing here. And here's a few more, which I hope makes you smile.
REQUIESCAT IN PATE
...and you thought little Tiddles went off to Cat-Heaven!
Twilight of the Hobbits
I like to sleep in the nude.
Gelo de Se:- Fish Aspic
Habeas Forpus:- large litter of Kittens
And the- Bumbenproletariat- should clearly have gone to Specsavers.
Some more fine creations from Steve in Brighton:
Apres mod le deluge - the rockers are gonna get soaked later
Honi soit qui mal y pence - honestly sweetie he's a bad penny
Harc de triomphe - listen to the brass section
Churchez la femme - this priest may be unfrocked
Pil desperandum - Where are my bloody tablets?
L'addition s'il vous plain - the maths is obvious
Sud judice - the court's heading south
Pet a manger - this dog is delicious
Led Miserables - this is a very heavy show
Edith Pilaf - this rice has a little sparrow in it!
La sour eiffel - she's really ugly
Coup de glâce - the ice cream gets it
OK, here go my efforts:
Pas de dux - Mussolini's waddle
La vie en hose - life as a panto Peter Pan
O tempora o sores - worse for wear after some good times
Largo al fuctotum - make way for the Casanova
De gustipus non est disputandum - there's no disputing the fact the cat's scoffed the baked beans
Mom de plume - Mother Goose
And cheating a little with a letter-switch:
Ich dine - I sup
Oh dear, this might be addictive...
Mi cash es su cash - How much do you need?
Soup d'état - Betty Windsor's first course
Bors d'oeuvre - Not another smoked salmon canapé!
Amuse-douche - Something to tickle an idiot's fancy
Squid pro quo - A Spanish World Cup bribe? (Apologies if The Sun got there before me...)
Neck plus ultra - giraffe
Des ex machina - East End showman steps in and makes all end well.
Pies à terre - Dropped lunch.
Sic transit gloria lundi - Thank God it's... Tuesday?
Faux past - a dishonest CV (isn't a smart move)
Doppelsänger - Jedward
Fiat sux - Buy a German car!
Altar ego - a self-important priest
I think I'll leave it here... if I can manage to resist the temptation!
Steve in Brighton is still at it:
moulen rouge - red-lipped mussel
homme de terre - salt of the earth
guten stag - excellent venison
personal non grata - he didn't leave a tip!
tea culpa - I prefer coffee
ich liebe dick - translation unnecessary
pied a terrd - I've just trodden in something nasty
pour encourager les sutres - promoting the use of surgical stitches
soupe de dour - Brown Windsor
La vie en pose - The life of Oscar Wilde
Bienvenude - he's well endowed
L'embarras des bichesses - the ladies who lunch
pas deviant les domestiques - Dad's rogering the tweenies
So is Peter, also from Brighton:
Tempus fukit - bloody hell I'm late
Crie de soeur - my sister's in tears
In sextremis - haven't had a shag in weeks
Absolumend - invisible repair
And more from Steve in Brighton. It must be something in the air.
sick transit gloria - she's thrown up in the back of the van
Coco Channel - the clown has drowned
simper fidelis - bloody sycophants
tout le bonde - I have every 007 movie
alma mater - mother of Miss Cogan
hemme fatale - that skirt's really too short
bateau bouche - her mouth's the size of a battleship
And still they come (from Steve):
aid de camp - Julian Clary's dresser
Bullet Rambert - Stallone's dance company
Cot de Provence - who's baby is that?
Rechnun bitte - this sister of mercy's nicked my pint
general fuctotem - Custer's last stand
More from obsessed of Brighton:
vid dolorosa - I missed taping my favourite soap
commedia dell'farte - so you find bodily functions funny?
on loco parentis - taking your kids on the Bluebell railway
Christian Door - the entrance to Notre Dame
l'escargo - does this vehicle function?
la quisine - French version of The Weakest Link
Jean Maul Gautier - this denim's so tight it's giving me gout
laisse faire - this dog could be a movie star
achting - Teutonic theatre
et tu brule - I can't manage a third dessert
pianoforty - ssh I'm only 39
crime de la creme - he's creamed us
mon amil - I'm sniffing that stuff again
je ne regret chien - sorry the dog's dead but what the heck?
la salle a hanger - somewhere to park Concorde
And more from Peter of Brighton:
Advocat - Dutch feline trained to appear in t.v. commercials
Addendun - finish the job with a coat of brown paint
Gluteus maximum - yes, your bum does look big in that
Caveat hemptor - grow cannabis at your own risk
veni bidet vici - at least the French have some sense of hygiene
Muchas grassias - the lawn needs cutting
Quo Tardis - where did that bloody police box come from?
Areste fidelis - zealots detained
Appellation controlled - no you cannot call her 'Kylie'
Bon Boyage - a happy peripatetic scoutmaster.
Whatever the prize is for doing this sort of thing, Peter and Steve, having joined forces in Brighton, get it. In a few cases, two letters are changed rather than one - but in a game like this, the end justifies the means!
Slop du jour - Special of the day
La salle a danger - Beware the food in this canteen
Pomme de ferre - Train derailed by apples on the track
Cod au vin - There's something fishy about this wine
Hotel de vile - A one star establishment
Q'uest que c'est que cat - What breed is this feline?
Pardonez mod - You wouldn't understand, it's called fashion
L'escargo - I'm sure I parked on level four
Creme de la crime - The perfect heist
Mayonaize - Have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord
C'est la vid - Come on, everyone's into DVD now
Le conciurge - A twinge of guilt
Plaisir d'afour - Better than a threesome
Haben sie ein betzimmer? - I'll go evens on the old lady in the third race
C'est bun - Sorry, no crumpets
Idee fixed - Uncompromising old git
Horse d'oeuvres - Great for the roses
Academie Franchase - French truant officer
La Fille Mal Garden - She didn't do the weeding.
Gendarnes - Why is it just the women who sew?
Dolce via - Buy her the tiramisu and you're bound to score
Extraordinair - The ventilation needs work
Ad Hock - Another bottle of the white please
Habeas Corps - The undertaker's aleady been
De fracto - A riotious commotion
Non mercy - Torture
Sur la point d'Avingnon - Severed head on a French prison gate
Les Pomenade des Anglais - The English powder rather than bathe
Willcomment - Germans always have a vehement opinion
Stayonora - Ask an Irish friend to visit
Mamikaze - Mum's in the loo
Sacre Curd - Heavenly custard
Bienvanue - A luxury recreational vehicle
Porkuoi? - Excuse me, I asked for lamb
Je ne regret Ryan - I only fly Easy Jet now
Couchez avec moi ce coir - Let's snuggle down on the mat
Tous est delicifeux - Nouvelle Cuisine
Honi soit qui mal y ponce - Each to their own
Comme ci comme car - A 2 CV
Caveat emptore - Take care when unloading the rubbish
Veni Vide Vichy, I came, I saw. Loathed it, so went back to France
Entre tous - Wer'e all coming in
Nil desperandbum - The cycling should do the trick
In fragante delicto - One of the more exotic bath oils
Ex cathetra - thank God that tube's out of my willy
La Bellt France - Dior is holding my trousers up
La commedian francais - Jacques Tati
Cote d'azured -painted the ceiling blue
Harc en ciel - this thunder's getting on my nerves
Un miment - a cameo by Marcel Marceau
Quelle surmise - you might think that I couldn't possibly comment
Quel frommage - you call this cheese?
Merdet - a small personal accident
Very interesting read from start to end. :)
No prizes for guessing who these are from:
Immediadment - I insist
Hate de foie gras - I'm a vegetarian who only eats greens
Bare du Nord - Face south for a better tan
Commend allez vous - I'll give you a reference quickly
Tout de suit - The full Monty
Mens sauna in corpore sano - only fit gay guys admitted to the steam room
Tress amusant - hilarious haircut
Magna cum loude - could you make love a little less noisily please
Ad nauseus - commercial for the next Lloyd Webber
Anno domino - it's taken me a year to use my double six
Ars gratia fartis - le Petomane doesn't charge a fee
Aurora borelis - Dawn is such a dull girl
Have Maria - everyone else has
Her capita - she's lost her Dutch contraceptive
Modus hoperandi - fingers crossed I can get the bloody machine to work
Mentord - he helped me up a Cumbrian hill
In absential - a six pack is necessary
Magnum opud - the dessert was too big
Ad infinitmum - she's on the shopping channel all evening
Bonsaid - talked to very small trees
A propod - my portable music system's outdated
Fart nouveau - installation by Damien Hirst
Crock monsieur - please come and fix my drains
Bric a bra - this brassiere is too tight
Aperitef - do you know the price of dentures these days?
L'aide memoire - I'm writing an explicit autobiography
A la sarte - ridiculous philosophy
Bon appetits - nice pair of boobs
Bon mob - quite a nice crowd
Bonne chancel - nice side of the church
More from Peter:
Amused bouche - an irrepressible grin
Boules - suet dumplings
Wunderkin - a favourite aunt
Magnefigue - well toned body, but a bit tired
Jetez - thrown on another boring flight
Entre nout - sorry, but it's all finished between us
Scusit - I already apologised
Permittez Mol - come girl, loosen up and give it a go
Bonchange - one of the better value supermarkets
Per ardua ad Asda - these checkout queues are unbelievable
Madamed - Mum can't pay her credit card bills
La plume de ma Dante - a message from hell
Madame Guillotin - she's ashamed of her convenience shopping
Ave Marina - what a heavenly place to tie up the yacht
Aurora Borerealise - at last I've seen the light
Pumpking - champion bodybuilder
Les Viserables - obviously depressed
Comment ca vat - is it still 15 percent?
C'est Incroyabler - the cobbler can't work today
Creme Brute - the strongest hair gel available
L'amore - same again please
Camerarderip - someone's nicked the film from my Nikon
Joyeux Nohel - Saint Peter opened the gates
Et tu Bruce - an ageing Australian who thinks he can still dance
And a further joint selection from Peter and Steve, who should really turn professional:
Pix en Provence - my holiday snaps
Au contrair - flight cancelled for volcanic ash
Belle Epox - I thought they had a cure for syphilis
Borgeois - George is such a bore
Menager a trois - the Beverley Sister's agent
C'est la buerre - you buttering me up?
C'est la code - Alan Turin's work
Dieu et mon droid - God is that really R2 D2?
L'eau de vie - cognac
Coupe de grace - a free ice cream
Esprit de corpse - we're glad he's dead
Cafe au laite - when's my coffee coming?
Fait accomplice - useless assistant on bank job
Gargon - where's that waiter?
Mal de mery - there's no vodka in this tomato juice!
Mardi grass - I'll cut the lawn Tuesday
En peassant - I love these country folk
Noblesse obliged - Princess Margaret did say ‘thank you'
Respondez s'il vous plait - tell me if you're going to braid your hair
Savoir fair - I love the waltzers
Autistick - self-winding watch
This looks like it's becoming a daily offering:
Pack vobiscum - Parcelforce say it'll be with you tomorrow
Al dent - I hope your insurance is up to date
A propoz - a battery recharging technique
C'est Neccesair - I've asked you three times to fix the air conditioning in this room
Mont Blank - not much going on in the upper cranial department
Que Sera Sara - if you didn't use contraceptives, what did you expect?
Don Die - a two faced academic
Assayez Tous - put your heads between your legs, and kiss your arse goodbye
Ne touche pa - your dad's sleeping
Fermez la port - let's move onto the brandy
Sodomitt - a gardening glove
Allez vous hen - quick, your chicken's escaping!
Absolumeant - I've never been more certain
Plus ca change plus ca meme close - lots of cash but he won't open his wallet
Allegro con brioche - fast food breakfast
Crossant - furious relative
Persona no grafta - lazy git
Pain de chocolad - he nicked my Kit Kat so he deserved it
Cafe moi - I'm okay with caffeine, really I am, it does nothing for me, honestly
Liberte, Legalite, Fraternite, - the lawyer's sprung my brother
Recherched - found the shed's padlock key
Excusez mom - your parents always embarrass you
Post randial - I've gone off sex
Patter familias - you still talking about your kids?
And a late night offering:
Modem Vivendi - at least the Internet's working
Pox vobiscum - okay so I gave you the crabs
Perpetuum mobiles - always bloody phones on trains
Post poital tristesse - mailing you a sad poem
Sexpresso - a quickie
C'est fore - tee for two
Bouillabaize - set the snooker balls up
Menu touristick - Saga diners welcome
Pommes dauphin - Flipper and chips
Poulet rotit - chicken breast
Extra Murial - wanna go again?
Crapes Suzette - must stop these curried pancakes
Haricot Verdi - prefer Puccini
Getwurztaminer - the pits are all shut, get me treatment
Mid fruhstuck - is breakfast available after 10 a.m.?
Champignog - excellent Advocaat
Podage - teenager with ear phones and pea soup
Obviously they have done nothing else all day.
Pert etre - think I have retained my youthful shape
Darce que - who's that bloke in Pride and Prejudice?
Permittez roi - surely it's my turn to be king
Ingevue - sorry, this is an X rated film
Quando Quando Kuando - when oh when do the martial arts classes begin?
Incroyabled - unbelievably dysfunctioned
A bientop - nice hairdo
Domages - playing dominoes can shorten your life
Fromages - museum exhibits
Savoiry faire - canapes
Comment alley vous - tell me the name of the little street where you live
Squisitot - what a beautiful baby
Kangaroux - an exotic antipodean white sauce
Per flavor - is this supposed to taste like this?
Blank de blancs - stop EU immigration
St Emillion - patron saint of lotto players
Billet dout - this ticket's invalid
L'apres midi d'un fone - don't ring me after lunch
Racontuerd - his stories are crap
Sommelied - this is not the vintage I ordered
Viva la difference - I love my new Vauxhall
Apres skid - a broken ankle
Mon dieut - a lettuce leaf does not a lunch make
Le mot buste - my Cadillac's in for repair
Bette Noire - Miss Davis is in a foul mood
Argent provocateur - he said they were Kruggerands!
Object d'art - Philistine
Halte couture - stop Vivienne Westward!
Al frescoed - he's in the garden completely plastered
sick transit - a rough crossing
coq au van - indicator? what indicator!
The latest episode:
Des habilled - I think I've been overcharged
Acceptcement - though I would have preferred astro-turf
Volared - here's your inflight vino
Arrivermerci - the reprieve has come through
Capuccinod - oddly coffee makes me sleepy
Auf widersehen - that's a fat chicken
Non compost mentis - organic farming
Perchange - excuse me, surely I should get some coins back?
Au just - the correct verdict
La Manchef - cross dressing cook
Enchantea - Earl Grey
Buona Vera - the force's sweetheart
Buongiornod - unspoken greeting
Folies Berger - I stupidly went to McDonalds
Annoy domini - I hate that Alec Innigonis small car
Bun imbecile - oversized Danish pastry
Attendez-sous - eavesdropping
Sex gratia - a freebie
Ensembled - the MFI pack had all the screws
Exceptioknelle - great campanology
The latest episode, Part 2:
Cedillad - fed up with that red headed Liverpudlian with the teeth
Siffleer - a wolf whistle
Je vous en priest - it's okay I'm your vicar
Fermez la douche - you're flooding the bathroom
Les Anglaised - a nap in the wood
Faux pad - the flat has no original features
Latrined - I read classics at uni
Less majeste - a short reign
Compenez-vous - I'll send you a note
Grand prik - what a whopper
Un petit peur - stroke the cat harder
Dites mor - call me often
Ill fatigue - sick overweight homosexual
Bang froid - bob sleigh accident
Bone appetit - dog's dinner
Cognact - mind readers
Appliquem - a Roman orchard
Wanque credit Lyonnaise - it's costing me nothing to really enjoy myself with these potatoes
Exactemend - I want a proper job done on this
Zut alord - damned hereditary peerages
More from Brighton:
Inuendo - Italian suppository
L'argend - the big end's gone
Expiqued vous - I'm pretty teed off with you
Boulevard Paint Michel - Mike's decorating the street
Bon bond - tie me up good
Choraled - the singers have been restrained
Quelle Homage - place for the old boys
Droite de cigneur - I'll smoke my cigar anywhere I want
Circumflexed - I'm wound up in this cable
Amo amass amat - I love a big carpet
Fandingo - fond of Australian wild dogs
Coupe de grace - a sleek looking car
Bon marched - a good hike
Mon amid - I just don't know which way to turn
Dour les autres - the rest of them are a sour-faced bunch
La Mare - Unusually, a blue coloured horse
Mess amis - they trashed the place at my party
Et cetabra - going topless
Son et lumihere - how's the weather in Cologne, Judith?
A votre Dante - go to hell
Tressez vous - brush that wig
Pre brandial - a quick snifter before making the phone call..
Less parapluies de Cherbourg - shortage of umbrellas has put the prices up
Cafe Rogue - not Egon Ronay listed
Mistrail - wind bows you off course
Quelle heure a'till - when do you cash up?
Kirschentarte - she lost her cherry a long time ago!
Le bateaur - pancake mix
Merange - my country estate
Un deux trois quatre sinq - my three cats drowned
Alter ergo - I thought it was all right but I've changed my mind
Bogognaise - I've swamped my meal with salad cream
Enfont terrible - screamed throughout the Christening
Enfont terrible - I hate this typeface, is it Grotesque?
Moi non pus - the carbuncle's cleared up
Je t'aim - you're in my sights
Legator - the croc's slowly chewed off my limb
Chilly con carne - a cold collation
Spiritus sanctum - ssh, this is where I keep the single malts
Frizzanti - I don't like sparkling water
Sierra del fuego - my car's on fire!
Chacup a son gout - my lad's having the doctor look at his foot
Sacre coeurl - it's a new perm, don't dare touch it!
Pace de la Concorde - wait for the sonic boom
Jardin des Juileries - Cartier's patio
Champs elyseed - school for young boxers
Mon oncule - my uncle only has one eye
Terra firmal - fear of Winceyette nightwear
Palaid de Versailles - had a grope behind the fountains with an ex
Contrapuntow - salvaging a collision of two boats outside Kings College
Soupcon - this is made from cubes, Knorr does it have any fresh ingredients.
Impossibleg - permanent need of a walking stick
Boeuf Wellingtong - a beefy gang of Chinese guys
En croupe - can't get rid of this cough
Rouletted - renting this flat is a gamble
Nouvelle vague - a recent convert to cannabis
Le renaisstance - part of the Alexander technique
Soufflled - the assistant chef has run off
Mezzo torte - a medium sized cake
Pianissimoi - I'm a bit of an introvert
Quelque close - I forgot it was Bastille Day
Coquilles Saint Jaqued - The Shell garage is changing my tyre
Fangoustine - I need to see the hygienist
Crevetted - the cat's been sorted
Pissoird - I usually drink in the evenings
La lavabom - the terrorist has set a device in the loo
La toilettex - sorry, these facilities are currently out of use
Peace de la resistance - the Home Guard
Ne fumez past - I started smoking again
Cunard a l'orange - they've repainted their ships in a ducky new colour
Sand Froid - Skegness in August
Pour de France - another glass of the house wine
Avoir du pod - are you still growing peas?
Maitenants - we longstanding residents believe these service charges are outrageous
Ombre solaire - sit in the shadow
Mein Campf - Frankie Howerd admitted to a slight speech impediment
Perfectamend - can't see the joins
Frere Jaquest - continuing the search for my long lost brother
Incognitot - an unbranded clock-making kit for a young child
Aux contrare - on the contrary, they are available at many outlets
Servis mon compris - okay, I'll come with you but I expect a tip
Demi plied - a half-hearted salesman
Entre cat - what do these two pussies get up to together?
Piroulette - give another twirl, and please land on red
Pas de dieu - I'm an atheist
Deus ex machine - for God's sake, is this photocopier ever going to work?
Le Mode - wherever you go in the world, all shops have the same clothing range
Bongiorno cara mio belly huomo - good morning my handsome fat friend
Mi scusi, il conto per flavor - how much for the strawberry ice cream?
A quelle heured? - which bunch of cows are you talking about?
Excusez noir - sorry, all the lightbulbs have blown
Je vous en prix - okay, you win
Volt face - this electronic exfoliation is working
Volte Farce - a revolving stage for a Ray Cooney play
Mezzo sopranog - I'm not into French kissing
Cosy Fan Tutte - she's very accommodating to all of us
Il lavatore - this bathroom is for use of members of the Conservative party only
Oberhammergau - I have knocked down more of this wall than I meant to
La sureted - I am very loyal to my stuffed bear
Padlo Picasso - why is this little boat painted blue?
Defence de fumer - these new smoking laws are ridiculous
La Douaned - I've grown accustomed to her face
Boeuf bourguignot - this beef is bloody Quorn!
Beguette - I want a baby
Digestiff - Viagra works but it upsets my tummy
Poulet chauffuer - he was a very young driver
Oktobervest -I get goose greased and sewn in my underwear every autumn
Autoroute a plage - the fastest road to the beach
Daubergine - Use low calorie spread not butter
C'est diffikile - the guillotine didn't work
Tassel de the - the stripper's having a tea break
Je n'ai past de sucre - okay so I didn't give you the sugar
Mapellation controlee -Sat Nav thinks it knows best
Amusee de Louvre - your Venetian blinds are a joke
Le sacred du printemps - it's taking a long time to print this hymnal
Raviolie - he said this pasta was fresh
Aide memwire - will somebody please help me change this plug
A votre santed - It's your turn to be Father Christmas this year
Le mist en scene - overuse of the smoke machine
Pose meridiem - I look better after lunch
Cabenet Sauvignon - I'm painting the wardrobe red
Quiche Lorrain - this is a soggy tart
La Marseillaised - Mother's been out touting her salad cream
Voiturep - a company car for a travelling salesman
Chansob d'amour - a lament
D'accords - I can do C and G Major
Terriblemeant - I stand by what I said
Fortissimoi - I'm sorry I'm shouting
Alegetto - get me out of this slum
Lentebent - twist it slowly
Mezzo forty - I'm only just out of my thirties
Allegrow - I'm recovering fast from the amputation
Carbonarad - the radiator's blown up
Le morceaup - Room service? My bathroom needs replenishing
Brigitt Bardot - stop this relentless barcoding
L'essenced - allowed to sell alcohol in France
Billiotheque - Mr Connolly's not competent with electronics
Discothexue - I'll send my favourite song to your mobile
Purree - a very happy cat
Priority de droite - you socialists will have to wait
Coiffeup - choking during a haircut
Confitured - traffic jam
Papisserie - it's a piece of cake
Crouchette - I'm a bit weak at the knees
Boules mariniere - I'm checking this seaman for a hernia
Arrondissent - a disagreement around the table
Metrob - that singer Mr Williams was very pleasant
Suits Saint Georges - What style of armour do you want sir?
Pouilly Suisse - just scored with a someone from Geneva
Boulingerie - a male thong
Boulliong - this soup has been overcooked
Piscinez - my nose is running
Herr oboer - this woodwind player moonlights as a German waiter
Verited - he still wears drainpipe trousers
Matealot - very sexually active sailor
Extempored - I sat in the sun too long
Croudtons - a lewd overweight double act
Matineer - he only climbs mountains in the morning
Montmartred - canonised having been thrown off the hill
Ordinraire - I usually have my steak saignant
Les fenetred - some swine's kicked in my windows
Mademoisalle - Asylum for women
End brochette - I'm fed up with barbeques
Sauced Bearnaise - I'm pissed as a bear's arse
Montepuiciano - Hannibal took a keyboard with him
Malaisle - bad place to get married
Doucemen - they're very sweet guys
Martin bianco - he hasn't got much of a suntan has he?
Cointreaud - I dropped my change in the street
Cludites - this crossword is defeating me
Accoutrecents - what am I going to do with all this American coinage?
Le jarding - bloody wind chimes!
Flambed - stop smoking at night
Nonpareill - next time use a ruler!
Couscoup - ladle out the goop
Exlactement - the laxative is doing it's stuff
Incroylable - are you totally incapable of addressing envelopes?
Maurich Chevalier - my horse has just come in at 100 to 1
Particulair - I only use Glade freshener
Le maisong - I sing whilst spring cleaning
Aux quatre seasons - salt pepper vinegar mustard
Doublet entendre - this medieval jacket is loud
Continuef -I did it nine times
Grand crud - this is crap wine on a huge scale
Grandmered - Nan had a good dump this morning
Patoish - having decking installed
Hollandayse - a cheap break in Amsterdam
Especialeg - Roehampton have done a great transplant
Leslie Carond - she falsely claimed to have driven around the world
Methodose - I can't stand another Lee Strasberg class
Politesset - my parrot failed its medical
Derangery - my Aga's knackered
Eclair de lune - a midnight treat
Taback - do I get a refund on these cigarettes?
Posted restante - I've couriered a rocking chair to my Auntie
Scourier- a Brillo pad
Medecins Sank Frontieres - the doctors drowned outside the 3 mile limit
Commissionnairey - this foreign priest wants 10%!
Divertissemen - I keep seeing little green aliens
Armagnack - he can turn his hand to anything
Liaisod - indolent little swine
Timbred - they've put a stamp on my Morris Countryman
Deja vue - this t.v. programme is a repeat
Laprosse - my writing is not poetic
Escalloped - I think they're in Gretna Green
Moulon Cadet - a trainee dancer at a French nightclub
Poison - don't eat Japanese blowfish
De riguers - the scaffolders didn't turn up
Frondue - when are these ferns arriving
Fondude - a hip guy I like a lot
Mill feuille - the bay leaves got stuck in the grinder
Wristorante Italiano - a camp Italian waiter
Vendredid -I loathed it but completed it last Friday
Expliqueer - he's just come out of the closet
Je ne sais pad - I don't understand the Irish
Wagon lite - a very small sleeping carriage
Crudithes - builders' tea
Carlo Pontif -a dwarfish Pope quite intimate with Sophia Loren
Bistroi - his majesty is into cafe society
Simplemen - a feminist view of blokes
Salade Ninoise - quietly cutting the lettuce
Baden Paden - sorry I'm using the bathroom
Zabagliowne - this is my suitcase
Frappeg -I'm making an omelette
Homelette - I'm taking in lodgers
Plus tart -is the dessert included later?
Francois Trufflaut - an expensive French fungus
Less vacances -my holiday's been cancelled
Antidiluvian -the Thames barrier
C'est le vice - it's just a habit, I can stop anytime I want
Filet mignone - I didn't order two of these small steaks
Non necesscaire - don't be afraid of horror movies
C'est tres impotant - sorry darling I've got a headache
Largesset - don't you anything in my size?
La mame chose - Mum makes all the decisions
Eine kleine nicht musick - A midget has made off with my score
Coala - an Australian soda
Emuse - did you see Rod Hull on the Parkinson show?
Bone vivant - the broken arm's improving
Bon vivheur - it's happy hour
Tres contend - I take the opposite view
Le domicilet - have had to rent my house out
Jean d'Ark - Noah's unknown love child
Parce cue - can I borrow your snooker stick?
Assleyez vous - I'm going to kill you
Avoir du pod - don't worry, there's an escape vehicle
Lad niege - the boy's homemade sled was shoddily put together
Declassed - the freedom of information act has released these documents
Inbra dig -rummage around for your lost hanky
Infra digs - I got the basement in the guest house
Axcusez-moi - forgive me for cutting your head off
Expressod - the fastest turf layer I've seen
Veuvre Cliqucot - can't get this lively kid to sleep
Don Perignon - the Professor's out of bubbly
Au grating - it's taken the heel off my stilletto
Louis Quinzes - the king's not in Kansas anymore
Touted ensemble - he tried to flog us all theatre tickets
l'eglisex - the padre's auditioning an altar boy
Creme bruleg - the ointment's working on my lower limb
Fourchetted - we went from a trio to a quartet
Dimlanche - these Sunday locums are not touching my boils
March militaire - spring NATO exercises
Pizzacato - is this a Siamese or Persian topping?
Amiabled - okay we can be friends
Camprenez-vous? - have you ever slept in a tent?
Au secourse - help I've run off the track
A bienhot - the central heating's kicked in
Cassiette - a box for storing plates
Bouleyard - an area in a French park for rolling steel balls around
Bon toyage - these Dinky Cars are doing well at auction
Naturellacent - turns out these American coins are not fake
Frissong - no Itune charges
Merci beaucup - thanks, lovely tea in fine china
Attentinone - will somebody please listen
Haitre d'hotel - I'm complaining to my travel agent about this accommodation
Non postible - the postmen are on strike
Moi nod plus - include me out, I'm too tired
Masqueraide - a successful bank job
A votre sane - here's hoping your psychiatric course works out
Calaize - you have been very neglectful in using that pumice stone
Au centrun - quick, the American banks are rapidly running out of funds
Reportaged - this legislation has lapsed
Bienvenude - welcome to camp au naturel
Entended vous - listen, your work on my cuddly toy has given it new life
C'est tres importrant - I know I'm angry, but I must get this off my chest
La destrese - how very upsetting, not a single thing I can wear
Mon amid - my friend who likes to mingle
Persona bon grata - has a high opinion of himself
M'raider - emergency, someone's stolen my purse
Romulus eat Remus - the original plans for Rome were somewhat cannibalised
Tous droid - are they all robots?
Equitabled - a circular arrangement works best
Semper fidelid - I have a perpetual problem with these childproof tops
Quasi motel - half the rooms were empty
Pianissimot - very timid small handwriting
A bientod - look forward to seeing you again kid
And just when you thought it was safe...
Vivaldid - The Four Seasons is the only piece anyone knows
Legatoe - my toenails grow very slowly
Allegretow - if only I had had the car serviced, this expensive quick manoeuvre could have been avoided
Chargrin - yes, I seriously overcooked the steaks, but what's the point of getting upset about it
Matan - these morning sun sessions have improved my pale complexion
Quasi modem - why does this internet connection keep going down?
Moochoirs - these lowing handkerchiefs are much easier to find
Expliqued - hard to explain why it's more difficult than needlepoint, but it's all applied from the back
Respondez S'll vous pait - are we going Dutch?
Veritad - there's a little bit of truth in what he said
Primad Donna - these opera singers always go bonkers
Primal Ballerina - first day at dance school
Yamahad - used to ride a Japanese crotch rocket
Soirek - the evening was a total disaster
Flamencod - my fish is on fire
Mon chier - this is where I always sit!
Charabang - love making after a nice cup of tea
Aidad - I helped my father understand opera
Tokyob - a loutish Japanese boy
Koala Lumpur - marsupial awaiting a spinal tap
A la carted - take the dessert trolley away!
Metiered - a socialist French chap came to check my electrical readout
Meridiland - bloody English! This global reference line should have been drawn through Paris
Karmaoke - I'm chilled out when I sing
Sushit - who needs rice and seaweed?
Harleyquin - I own five classic bikes
Verbatin - the act of using a ring pull whilst muttering obscenities at the can
Cavehat - protective headgear for potholers
Bingenue - a very young excessive imbiber
Mysteriosow - where have all these plants come from?
Cinema verbite - these tedious end credits keep my teeth grinding
Camdembert - Dick Van Dyke never got the cheesy cockney accent right
Angleterred - partition resulting from civil war
Allegretot - an unfortunate quickie resulting in a shotgun marriage and having to support the little bugger for life
Marsellaize - not all the French are enthusiastic patriots with good singing ability
Sag va bien - I still look good with a double chin
Entouraged - an elderly travelling rep company
Shampagne - surely this is a Cava?
Enchore - dull work again and again
Charles Aznavoir - The Prince of Wales is not much to look at
Obrigadno - thanks, but no thanks
Mucho muncho - can't stop snacking on this Spanish food
Boodoir -fooled you. You really thought this was the bedroom
Verisimilitune -perfect pitch
Pianoforted - he always wanted one, but we could only afford a Stylafone
Cognab - stealing the brandy from the bloke next to you at the bar
Extempdare - you won't get a fiver unless you are brave and do "My Way" with no printed lyrics in the next few minutes
Moi non pus - the boils have healed
Exfusez moi - sorry about the bomb in my shoes
Sagy Aloo -must get this drooping toilet seat fixed
Poppadon - you're Indian university mentor expects to be treated as a father figure
Bouillione - warm morning soup on my own
Buenos Haires - I love a hirsute chest
Fray Bentoz - the last reel of the Garland classic was completely destroyed
Terra del fuego - fear of passive smoking
Montepulipiano - dragging this Steinway up the hill is impossible
Poor example - not a good role model
Roqueforte - too loud pop music
Des habilled - how much longer is this building work going to take?
Entrepreneurd - he produces lovely shows but he's a prat
Tin Tin - a twin pack, no need to chill it as it's already snowy
Beggs Benediict - can you spare a Euro for a breakfast?
Parfumer - this fragrance really irritates me
Relaxez tous - let's all sleep together
Fantastiqued - this super glue really worked well
Excusez mot - my spelling is not that good
Exlaxament -intended to keep bowels functioning normally
Expliquated - okay Edward, you have told us what this is about
Pre prandiale - a beer before dinner
Chow mine - you had no right to eat it
Ensenblet - well, they haven't rehearsed, but if they know the music they can join in
Non sexquiter - I'm not going home till I score
Non viveur -not very lively
Patfella - the Irishman won the knobbly knees contest
Gastrognome - insatiably hungry dwarf
Cosmonaught - Russian rocket launch failed
Malthereuse - sadly I'm out of Laphroaig
Entre cat - comes in en pointe when he's hungry
Can can't - my legs don't go up that high anymore
Barfolino - this Italian red always make me puke over the floor covering
Tangro - My Latin American dance course is proving successful
Cantable - a sing song in the dining room
Que pasta - how's the Spanish spaghetti going down?
Brand prix - the cost of advertising at formula one races
Lederchosen - I really don't have a leather fetish, I just like shorts
Fur Eglise - wearing mink whilst listening to Beethoven in church
End passant -I know we've been ignoring each other for ages, but isn't this a bit childish?
Les fritez - they've both got a chip on their shoulders
Muchas gratcilas - thankfully, a big girl for her age
Bon apetit - boobs like an orang-utan - nice!
Appropot -just the right size for the plants
Au jut - the meat sticks out of the gravy
Insoucicant - surely you don't take these religious beliefs seriously?
Banquiet - a large group eating together in hushed tones
Il conto poor favor? - Take pity on us and give us a discount on the bill
Anus horribilis - a very nasty case of haemorrhoids suffered by the Queen
Bangledesk -another incomprehensible call centre
Etloil -the car hire includes engine lubricant
Anciend - they've demolished the old part of the city
Paysand - the inland farmers are more than prepared to cough up for a seaside trip
Tapast - I used to go to dance class after a small Spanish snack
Perdude - he thinks he's cool but he's lost the plot
Anorexia nervousa - my dog hates his annual vaccinations
Coloraturan - I shrieked when the bloody paint went all streaky
Le patrong -the customer is always right
Boules marinere - what idiot thought this game would work on an ocean going liner?
Apres tous - I'll wait for the rest of you to go first
Pathetigue - boring news item between Pearl and Dean and the main feature
Repartea - we're going back to the Ritz tomorrow afternoon for some more witty conversation
Route a page - training course for junior royal attendant
Le cinemat - popcorn infested carpet
Post Mortemp -another useless agency girl in the mailroom
Chiaroscurio - a fascinating antique chessboard
Funiculiar - he jokingly gave me the wrong times for the mountain railway
Wunderbard -Shakespeare was a genius
Wunderbare - you look great naked!
Rouladen - the filling was a bit on the heavy side
Bouef Bourguignone - beef's off
De minimous - News of Mickey's little girlfriend
Metalcarpal - they fixed my wrist with a pin
Prestissimom - Can you iron my jeans Ma?
Piccolop - just trim the hedges a little, and don't whistle
L'ecoale - the school's running on solid fuel
Biennalex - this Venetian arts festival has been cancelled due to government cutbacks
Manger tout - he'll eat anything
Formidabble - he likes the odd flutter but only after studying the Racing Post
Fil pluet - the rain barrel's overflowing
Lingerien - no undies can be a liberating experience
Canapet - they each need one tin a day
En suited - do I have to wear a tie?
Rapidelent - The fastest mortgage available
BIn memorium - I've ditched all my old photos
Saint Agurn - this icon has an extraordinarily cheesy expression
Pastichef - I used to be a cook who could blend any ingredients
Boulingerie - cod piece - or clean underwear to cover your meat
Patisseerie - scary cake maker
Crime de menthe - he's nicked all the After Eights
Pat de deux - she has a twin
Pasto doble - my dance career was over after I was gored
Matadore - I love your new rug
Semper fidelid - I always faithfully remember to put the lavatory seat down
In flagrante delictoe - Sarah Ferguson caught on camera
Swish kebab - the Turkish waiter's a bit on the camp side
Vomitorimum - She waited up for me but when I fell through the door ........whoops!
Verbatin - if you read all the ingredients on these cans you'd never open the damned things
Acropolist - a written record of the harvest
Tar Mahal - they're re-roofing the mausoleum
Nirvanad - I live close to a heavenly billboard promoting commercial vehicles
Ordainaire - it's an outdoor ceremony as he takes holy orders
Valhallag - the Scandinavian boiler's inside the front door and I'm having it insulated
Sacha Distil - Alexander's making Russian moonshine
Rendezvout - I think we should avoid further meetings
Comment allez sous? - where's your second chef gone?
La tour Eiffell - dramatic collapse of one of the world's beloved structures onto a sightseeing bus
Anno domino - I don't like the game much, but on Boxing Day with the family I can hardly refuse
C'est la die - it's inevitable
Gravitis - believe me, it's not made from Oxo Cubes
Chilli con carnet - it's on the manifest and approved for import into Iceland
Compreneh? - do you fully understand the facts?
Allez vous end - we won't meet again
Le naisstance - not sure what I feel about this unplanned baby
Politease - no, be nice to the parrot. Annoy him at your own risk
Rigour mortis- we faked our deaths for the insurance money
Esprit de corpse - I'm sure he just winked
Parfaith - I used to be a perfect believer, but now I have doubts
Chocolap - bugger, it's melted over my trousers
Extranger - finally accepted as part of the village community
Lesionaire - some minor battle wounds are best left unbandaged
Denousment - we all know how it's going to end
Planache - an original elegant design but it's done my head in
Finaleg - one more lap to go before the end
Umlate - this German alarm clock failed again
Lenticement - he's borrowed my dry mix for 40 days to refloor his music room - a very slow piece of work
Cyrano de Bergerace - the Jersey detective won by a nose
En familled - they ground me down, so I decided to leave
C'est impossidle - I always need something to occupy my time
Legatno - unless you play it without these jerky pauses, it is not what the composer intended
Croquet Monsieur - he is so obsessed with the game that he always misses his toasted morning snack
Obrigadot - thanks for your excellent punctuation in the Portuguese version
Coup de gas - modern cars deliver much less of a fuel hit
Squid pro quo - I trade calamari for a certain lady's favours
Ephesuss - we now know why the city is ruined
Sine quad non - you can't borrow my four-wheeled bike
Cine qua non - no video filming!
Sine qua none - I'm perfectly happy with my own company
Sine qua nun - is that sister doing something she needs to confess?
De factlo - reports from the tabloids
Printempt - it was a hot piece, but the possibilities of libel gave me second thoughts
Especiale - premium beer
La noblesset - they thought they had God-given rights, but the tumbril proved them wrong
Ne me quitte past - don't leave me alone like you did before
Importand -once you get it into the country, make sure you deliver it to the right address
Stephand Grappelli - I'll arm-wrestle you for the next place in the queue
Vinarigrette - wish I had asked for a different salad dressing
Habitdue - time to pop out for a fag
Amigoes - my Mexican friend left town
Jam appelle - what do you call this confiture?
Cateaux - why would anyone buy a kitten as a gift?
Moutardy - I asked for the mustard ages ago
Consome - I can persuade certain people to buy this awful soup
Entedex - are you all pretending to be deaf?
Savoir fare - use your brain, find out how to get the cheap tickets
Non conpris - don't say you don't understand you're trying to cheat me
L'hotell - yes, they quote you the room rate, but wait till you see the bill for the extras
Deutschland Deutschland uber Allies - they thought they were going to win
Je vous en pie - I am so grateful for this delicious dessert
Frauhstuck - my wife can never leave the breakfast buffet!
Past de deux - we used to be an intimate couple
Terribled - it was a very bloody accident
Achtune - pay attention to the German score
Parlumerie - on a scented evening, the light show was very effective
Arigatoe - thanks for looking at my ingrowing nail problem
Fruits de merd - God knows where they dredged this up from
Al dented - I suppose the spaghetti was cooked to perfection, but it did no favours to my fragile teeth
L'arrivemeant - we should have arrived an hour earlier
Formitable - wow, you could seat twenty people around this
Extractement - I was expecting you to remove the tooth
Perfectebent - you've done a great job on these bumpers
Mating - mornings are the best times to get together
Certainment - If I say it, I mean it
Sauerkraout - sorry, no cabbage, so it's off the menu
Exposse - I used to charge around on a horse searching for the bad guys, but I've given it up
Prima donnad - first opera poster from the print run
In abscentia - deodorant might prove useful
Mess enfants - all this nappy changing gets tedious
Touyour - congratulations on your birthday
Je t'ame - he was a wild dog, but I calmed him down and taught him loads of tricks
Eggalite - difficult to get the boiling time right if they're not the same size
Entre chats - my old cat died, but I'm getting another one
Americanot - the Yanks think they can police the world, but look what's happened
Cafe nor - thanks for the offer of tea, but I don't like black coffee either
Apres midid - my bowel movements never happen in the morning
Amo amas amad - I know we all love each other, but this is getting insane
Remy Matin - eye opener
Sombraro - should have gone to Marks and Spencer. This is definitely not a C cup
Insousicant - let's face it, my days of playing a flirty young bimbo are long gone
Lieader - his dull repetitive singing did not convince me that he had trained for a command role
Toot ensemble - a bunch of novice recorder players can give extra meaning to the word cacophony
Matadoor - please use it before stepping on my expensive beige carpet
Cabiniererid - the corrupt ones have been sacked
Gendarmerise - several in the force were promoted
Interpot - the recipe proved something of a mystery, but exchanging information with foreign friends sorted it
Cotes du Phone - I've left my mobile on the beach
Cameraderide - a souvenir photo of your donkey race
Erratumy -they operated on my stomach by mistake
Coliserum - this medicine really sorted out my gastric problems in a big way
Sternumb - I get chesty and cold at the aft end of a ship
Lavague - my personal hygiene is a bit hit and miss
Samedie - very inconvenient to have a death at the weekend
El Preslidente - Elvis's teeth are up for sale
Hallelujam - can't seat the whole congregation
Le lavabod - combined lavatory bidet and shower
Beaucoupe - great car!
Schwarzwild - overgrown parts of the black forest
Vespars - each evening we pray to win the race on our classic scooters, but always finish together
Gestundheit - my visitor has very bad sneezing fits
Arrondissent - an argument around the table
Kasbar - denied access to the centre of Casablanca
Toupet - my dog got the mange so I bought him a wig
In communicardo - we don't talk much whilst playing bridge
Euphoninun - give the holy sister a call - blast it out though, she's very deaf
Entre noun - between you and me, I admit that I mix up the names of things
Chagrins - the first cuppa relieves the glums and puts smiles on your face
Conquistadored - there was something about power that turned me on
Debacleg - walking is a bit of a mess. I can do it with the aid of a stick
In extremist - can't see if this boat is heading the right way
Volte faced - the electrolysis has turned around the appearance of lines on my forehead
Maximust - I really have to clean up this house bigtime
Post nuptuale - we all had a few cans to wet the baby's head
Host mortem - I did all the funeral arrangements
Van Cogh -I am sure exhaust fumes are leaking into this painted Dutch vehicle
Condominimum - I duped my mother to move to a small flat in Florida
Le villaged - no maintenance has been done on this cute little French place for years
Vain rouge - I certainly have no problem being a redhead
Aide memore - remind me frequently
Coq au van - home delivery of poultry
Martinid - no, I don't drink it, but it is my name
A gauched - I feel left out
Arse gratia artis - Tracey Emin is exhibiting her bum for free at the Tate Modern
Pronto pronto printo - I need these flyers by Thursday
Cantabiled - the organist pulled it all together
Autorouter - cuts the slots in the timber all by itself
Menaged a trois - three blokes shared the same house for fifty years
Legarto - what a strange fascination. She slowly paints pictures of lower limbs
Hollandaize - a saucy trip to the Netherlands has left me a bit stunned
En passand - I avoid the beach
Avocabo - sod Atkins
Danke schoe - horribly wet footwear
Luftwaffle - he talks a lot of German hot air
Napolie - sorry not to be truthful, I actually went to Rome
Coffeur - choking on a hairball
Scrapula - leftovers from the shoulder of lamb
Arisbotle - the Greek academic liked his tipple
Socratest - to get a place on the philosophy course, you must pass the exam
Claviclo - resulting from a rugby accident, my collar bone dropped slightly
Amarettgo - own up. Who finished the entire bottle?
Extending the game to foreign loanwords in English is taking it in a new direction.
Nun sequitur - I didn't follow but she's giving up the habit
Fegatini Balsamick - the Irishman on the lightweight wooden stretcher needs a liver transplant
Raviolit - flambé-ing pasta is unusual
Salvadot Dali - was he a Pointillist?
Agglandissement - a very enlarged thyroid
Vomitoriun - speed up guys - there's only one and I'm sick of waiting
Le chien perdud - the dog pretended to be lost, but was hiding in the garden
Hospitaled - after so much beer, I was escorted there for detox
Gloria in excelsis duo - Nina and Fredrick were a heavenly pair
In cramera - they thought it was secret, but I managed to squeeze it on one roll of Ilford FP4
Le saisong - don't sing "Jingle Bells" in July
Tres importent - the scouts are relying on delivery of this camping gear from France
Formitable - amazing, all I needed was a bigger bit of chipboard
Simplemend - a drop of Uhu did the trick
Cravhat - I know It should be round my neck, but it is so decorative on my sombrero
In mumoriam - mother I will never forget you and will always put out flowers
Rigour mortis - die with dignity
Chocolate - they failed to deliver on Valentine's day
Dignitad - the ceremony had the minimum of formal respect
Bona fortunad - hopefully, this publicity will bring in masses of profit
Mouton Cardet - and could you also add the wine to my Visa tab, he asked sheepishly
La basurad - Spanish poster campaign to stop rubbish dumping
Bon appetite - I understand why you wear those elasticated skirts
Mal de merd - diarrhoea
Enfant terribled - he used to be a good kid, but under the influence of the gang, he went astray
Enfant terribled - poor little mite. It was only a small wound, but you should have seen the blood
Moi non plug - being deaf, loud noises don't bother me
La revolutione - think you need to get some mates in to pull this off
Le liaisong - we get together for a few duets
Ad nausenum - I always take travel sickness pills
Je conprends - I pretend to understand
Le bagette - I only travel with hand luggage
Magma Carta - a map of volcanic activity
Champagne methodnoise - there must be a way to stop the clinking of these bottles
Dramatic personae - they work in the theatre darling. What would you expect?
Grant prix - we're awarding you the prize
Patter noster - dad, this prayer goes on a bit for us kids
Bon sequitur - a great sequel to the last film
A la cart - we've loaded up the rubbish
Poco loco - train journey on a branch line with many stops
Sacred bleu - the Virgin Mary is usually depicted in this hue
Creme Caramelt - my toffee ice cream dripped all over the back seat
Creped Suzette - pancake makeup was applied to the ingenue
Carlotte russe - second hand Russian vehicles for sale
Peche Melbar - sorry, your diet precludes ice cream
And, after a lull, more:
Arigato gozaimass - huge thanks to the Japanese crowd
Millet-feuille - not the usual grain for the flour in this pastry
Danset macabre - a garish sixties record player
Infra gig - the club has booked our band
Magnum opuss - think I feed this cat too much
Magnum opusy - Miss Galore packs a heavy piece
A la model - cut out the desserts and you'll achieve a catwalk figure
A la code - it's a bit of an enigma, but seems to have something to do with ice cream
Place de la concorode - aviation scrapyard
Magna tum laude - I got the prize for the best belly rumbles
Suo gang - breakaway group from a Welsh choir who sing you a lullaby whether you want it or not
Dies irate - I'm always angry when I'm dying , and this morbid tune doesn't help
Modus operandin - using the machine this way makes quite a racket
Pro temp - they're short term contracts, but I've made a full time living out of them
Opera bouffet - these canapés are nothing to sing about
Core anglais - all that's left of my Granny Smith
Bald masque - the new Italian toupee works out a treat
Beaus yeux - Mr. Brummell is at the opticians
A cappellad - the choirboy sang on his own, because the organist was off sick
A clappella - I was the only one who applauded
A cappellag - one of the unaccompanied singers came in late
Da capon - the chicken is coming round again for a repeat plateful
Slotto voce - keep it quiet, but I've found a one-armed bandit that pays out every time
Tonic so fa - we're still okay on mixers, but we may run out of gin
Altar ego -my cognitive behavioural therapist is a devout Christian
And, to round of 2010:
Schlaf but -when in Germany, I sleep intermittently
Nuts Saint Georges - slaying dragons? The bipolar guy was off his head on vino
Chateau Beuf du Pape - if the house steak is good enough for the Pope, it's good enough for me
Chateau Neuf du Paper - we only have nine of the house style letterheads in stock
Les henvirons - chicken shed
Femme fatsale - clothes on special for the fuller figured woman
Ne me quittez pad - I won't leave my flat
Buena visa - great, now I can go see America
Fuego fluego - the arrogant Portugese chef blamed everyone else for the chimney fire
A tout a l'heured - what hour is sunset?
Ne jamaid pas - I make the fruit preserves on my own, with no help from the servant girl
Ecoutez Mo - Mowlem had ideas worth listening to
Firmez la bouche - the treatment has plumped up her lips, but she still can't talk
Rendezvous ici a midig - let's meet here about noon when they take a break at the archaeological site
Forte d'Arthur - although it was a round table, the king had to shout himself to death
Non sequiturd - the second trip to the lavatory was unsuccessful
Non sequitar - after laying the flat roof, they didn't follow with a coat of bitumen
Parcel que - just because I visited the website, I didn't expect a delivery
Enfaint terrible - the poor kid has distressing blackouts
Troisieme estage - this play is into its third year running
Troisieme etrage - and I get furious if the lift stops at the wrong floor
Camera Obscurat - I used Adobe Photoshop to remove the critter
Starte Tartin - get on with the dessert
Quiche Lorrained - wet weather at the barbeque made this dish soggy
Nadolig Llawen at Blwyddyn Newydd Dda - merry Christmas boyo. I'll be there for the New Year bash
And to begin 2011:
Itch spreche Deutsch - I speak German, but it irritates me
La plumb de ma tante - I can't fathom it, but my aunt is out of her depth
Bon anniverstaire - exactly one year on, the Stannah lift is still a boon
Died Zauberflöte - however magic the music, I am not playing the Glasgow Empire with this opera again
La Botheme - the two lead singers worked well to get the plot over
La Traviatat - good production, but why the second hand clothes from Camden market?
Ariadnet Auf Naxos - she caught the fish off a Greek island
Also Sprach Zarathustrad - a very conventional rendition of the Strauss opus
Fury Elise - she hated the annoying tune
Fur Eglise - it was for the church, so I wrote the music for free
Claire de Lung - the bronchoscopy showed nothing untoward
Io parlo italiago - I spoke the language years back, but now can't remember a word
Otsukaresamad deshita - I thank and congratulate the crazy Japanese contingent for their hard work on this project
Moshi moshid - in Japan, they had difficulty understanding my name on the phone
Moushiwake gozaimasend - vely solly that your card arrived so late
Selamat tidour - in Jakarta, the night receptionist was a bit grumpy
Selamat pagin - the Indonesians were very accommodating in providing dad's daily tipple
Selamat dating - It was a welcome day when the Malaysian agency introduced me to this pretty girl
Lingua francar - the satellite navigation in my vehicle has several language options, all voiced by a female
La Bell France - they have nothing to compare with Big Ben
Le Metrod - all the stations were closed, so I had to yomp it out across Paris
Glueteus maximus - the bottom line is, this stuff is better than Araldite
Modus hoperandi - at work, I have several sites to visit, so I use a pogo stick
Magnut opus - the mad professor worked on his review of Faraday's work for years
Danse Macaber - I always choreograph my moves for the toss
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